I'm broken inside.
There is something so freeing in living on a whim...never tying yourself down, but there is something dreadfully frightening about it also. All the same, I can't help but get this sort of excitement when I think about the future...when I think about the possibilities. Then, I start to get nervous...wondering when all of this will have to come to an end...hoping that I won't find myself upside down in the snow when it is all said and done. Only God knows the outcome...and so on him I must lean, but I am afraid. I am scared to trust him with my future. How is that when I know that he can see what is truly best? I do not know. All I know is that I really know nothing. Give me patience and strenght as I wait for your guidance. Teach me to know you more.
I want to be happy....I want to be more than happy, I want to be joyful...truly satisfied and pleased by the simple things in life. I want that joy and peace. I know that I am not satisfied, but I am trying. I know that it is not until I find contentment that I will gain the future. Teach me to be content. Teach me to live life to the fullest. Teach me to laugh and to truly be filled with joy.
It is the most wonderful moment when a wave of peace just rushes over you...when all you've been worrying about suddenly ceases to be a worry anymore...when you feel happy and hopeful again. That is the moment I am hanging by. Thank you for that moment. I am forever greatful. Please keep me patient as I await my future moments...those moments in which I find my major, my career, my mate...I cannot wait for those most perfect and precious moments. Bring him to me soon...prepare me. Search me and make me new. Show me my flaws so that I can improve. Create in me a clean and pure heart...and teach me to follow you. I love you with all that I can possible give. Thank you.
What do you do when the one thing you were holding slips out of your fingers? I feel like I'm in that moment from Titanic where Rose and Jack are holding hands he says, "Don't let go of my hand," and she responds with, "I trust you." I was holding. I was trusting...but that wave was too forceful. I was caught helpless in the midst of the storm, and now I am alone. Why is there an ocean inbetween us? I'm searching frantically for your hand, but it is nowhere to be found. Don't leave me. I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe that is what the storm is for, though. Maybe the storm had to pull you away, because I would never really be ready to let go. I am trusting...trusting him to give me strength...trusting him to be the one reliable source that will never fail me. I am so sorry for everything...for not trusting, for not making you the foundation of my life. I want you, and I need you. Cover me. Hold me tightly in your arms and never let go. I can't do this on my own. Stay with me tonight, because if you don't, I don't think I will make it through.
Do you ever feel like the things in your life are meaningless? Will the classes we're taking or the activities we're involved in really even matter in the long run? Is my art test really that important? Are the papers I write really that important? Are the various aquaintances I am making really that important? What is it that is truly important in life? The true, loving, selfless relationships we make in life are important. It is those people that will go with us through this crazy thing called life. But what else? At this point in my life I have no idea where I'm going to be in five years. Nothing in my life is steady. I have only one thing to hold on to...Hope. Hope that someday, preferrable in the near future, everything will be made clear. Hope, and my best friend, who I know will come with me through anything. Thank you for that. You are my one tangible support. Without you I would have nothing to hold onto, and I would be floating into the abyss. Sometimes I still feel like I am floating into the abyss though. Like we are floating there together...off the face of this planet, and farther and farther into the nothingness. I feel like I am out in the atmosphere and all kinds of things are rushing past me...stars, comets, meteors...but I am lost, with no place to go, no direction in my life. Give me guidance, give me hope, give me stability, because all of this meaninglessness is wearing down my soul.
I love you with all of my heart. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I hope that we never have to split ways. You make my yesterdays memorable, my todays exciting, and my tomorrows hopeful. Having you has been one of the greatest blessings I ever could have hoped to receive. I know that I can tell you anything, and I know that you will always be there for me. Whenever I get good news or experience something exciting the first person I want to tell is you. Everywhere I turn, things remind me of you and all the wonderful times we've spent together. I can't help but hope that we have 80 more years of those experiences. There is something special between the two of us. We share a deep connection that is so unique to us and somewhat undefinable in words. I hope you know that all of this comes from the depths of my heart, and that I mean every word of it. I love you.