Comfortable.

"Why is it that the second or third question that people always ask you is if you have a boyfriend yet?" That was the question recently posed to me by a close friend from back home. She and I have both heard that question a lot in the past few years. We hear a lot on campus that Harding is a marriage factory, but I think that our culture is the bigger culprit. With all of the current romance novels, films, and songs, no wonder it is a current topic of discussion. This is especially true of the college generation. College is a feeding ground for relationships. You walk into this new place with thousands of new fish in the pond, and everyone expects you to be looking, searching for your lifelong partner. I've seen first hand how that thought process can drive some people to mental insanity. I would like to propose the idea of being comfortable. I am comfortable with where I am, and where God wants me to be. I don't have myself completely figured out yet, much less trying to add someone else into the mix. It is not that I am shunning relationships, far from it. I am very excited about the potential of future relationships that I think God may have in store for me. I try, although it is hard, to wait patiently for the right timing in these relationships. I recently realized that I have a new prospective on relationships, however. In high school, a relationship was based mainly around emotion. They have told us for years (they being all those older and wiser people that feel a need to impart wisdom upon our young and ignorant generation)...they have told us that love is a choice, not an emotion. I thought that this was something that was simple enough. You choose to love someone and then you love them for the rest of your life. Sometimes they make you mad, but you get through it, because you love them. It wasn't until this week, however, that I realized what the true essence of that statement really was. It was when the conversation of a potential relationship was brought up, with that very friend that asked me the question earlier. When she asked me about this potential relationship, I was not filled with the giddy excitement like I was in high school, but rather with something that I almost judged as indifference, which worried me. What I realized, however, was that this emotion was not indifference, but rather almost a practicality. The idea that a lifelong partner is merely a best friend, rather than a star struck lover was something that I hadn't quite contemplated, but the idea makes a good deal of sense. That understanding is what makes a relationship what it is. It is the give and take, the mutual submission. When I was in high school, I told the Lord that I didn't think I had the will power to say "no" to someone that I liked. Now, I am asking the Lord to give me the courage to say "yes" to someone that I love. In love, the risk is high, but the reward is greater. I used to be afraid of that risk. Not being able to say "no" got me past that. Back when I was afraid, I judged all those who weren't, especially the very friend that asked me that question from earlier. Several years ago I judged her, and I threw it (both literally and figuratively) in her face. For that, I am eternally sorry. I know that she will probably never read this blog. She doesn't even know it exists, but that is OK. There is no need for me to bring it up to her again, reminding her of the pain and humiliation I caused her. It is only needed for me to learn from and become a better friend by. Even as I sit here and say that I'm not afraid of the risk, I still am. I am trying not to be though. I tell myself that by the end of the school year I won't be afraid any longer, and I will move forward with a no bars attitude, but I am equally afraid of waiting that long. Timing is everything, and if missed, it is twice as hard the second time. I am hoping that things will be made clear. For now, though, I am happy. I am content. I am comfortable.

A disclaimer of sorts - All of this may not make a bit of sense, because I am leaving out specifics. I leave them out for a reason, however. I am sorry if this all seems incoherent. Please do not judge me on assumptions of what I mean, but rather support me in the truths of what I say, even if I am not the best at articulating them.