I haven't blogged in a REALLY really long time. I'm not sure if I even see a point in it anymore, but I'm too lazy to right in my journal right now, so this is the quick alternative.

Today is my birthday. I turned 21, though I don't feel anywhere near that age. 17 still seems like the appropriate response when people ask...but that is far gone from me now. I try to use moments like this in life as a sort of reflection time. Today was probably the most busy birthday I've ever had...probably in the top 10 busiest days of my whole life actually. It should have been extremely stressful, but I didn't seem to notice today. Every 10 minutes today without fail I've had someone encouraging me. Friends telling me how much they care. Family and community that called to catch up. The texts and messages were overwhelmingly comforting, and it was such a great reminder of the camaraderie (tribute to Burks) I've found in life. That's nice.

Today I found a poem that I wrote two years ago. As I look back on what I wrote, I am reminded of how convicted I felt, and I am so proud to say that my windows have changed. I can't say that everything is better, but I can say that progress has been made. There are some days that the sun will fall exactly where it did the day before (I could work in a really good Astronomy lesson right here), but the overall progress I would say has been from West to North...metaphorically that is...obviously I know the sun will never set due North. Here is the poem...most everyone that looks at it will probably see it as worthless, meaningless, and poorly written, but for me...this is life.

A Window to the Past

I'm sitting in front of a window watching the darkness, waiting for the sun to rise. I see the future. I see the past. The same things happen day after day. I am no more of a failure than I was yesterday. I am no more of a success.

I'm sitting in front of a window unable to move, unable to blink. The world is standing still. Wind chimes hang noiseless, lifeless. The world is still, calm, asleep. Soon the world will wake, and then it will sleep again.

I'm sitting in front of a window wondering if tomorrow I'll again be sitting in front of a window.

Knowing People.

On CJ's birthday, we went out for lunch at this little Italian place that reminded me of HUF. While we were out that afternoon, CJ asked me a question that I just haven't been able to get out of my head. "What do you want out of life?" I'm not sure I know what that means. I could give a list of things I want to do in life, experiences I want to have, but this question seems more loaded than that, like it should be based off of something like purpose and truth. I mumbled off an answer that I'm not even sure made much sense, saying that I wanted to "know people." What I meant by that was that I want to know people intimately, but it goes back farther than that. Now, no huge philosophical commentary told me this, but what I've kind of observed on my own is that our purpose on this earth is to learn how to love. It sounds so cliche, but that's only because I don't know how to say it more profoundly. The greatest commandment is to love the Lord, and the second is to love others. We want to become like God, and God IS love. The saying is simple: Love God. Love People. The meaning and the application are complex. Is it wrong to try to summarize our life's purpose into four words? I think that it might be. Christianity (as much as I hate the negative connotation of that word) was meant to be anything but simple. Who am I to reduce the most complex being in this universe into a few simple words, but simple is the only place that I can learn from right now, so I work with what I've got. I've deviated from my point, however, and that is that the first step to loving someone seems to be to know them. I want to know people in my life deeply and intimately. I want to know their dreams, hopes, and ambitions. I want to pour into their lives more than for my own personal enjoyment and entertainment. I want to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good wife, and a good mother. I want to live a full life with a cup that cannot help but overflow into the lives of others. Is that what I want out of life? I guess for now that answer will do.

Dillan.

I was on my way to church last night, and I got off the highway where I saw a man begging under the overpass. There were a lot of storms predicted for last night, and I had an umbrella in my car (a somewhat rare occasion, I might add.) So anyway, I thought to myself as I drove by...self, you should roll down your window, and give him that umbrella...he needs it more than you. The only cash I had in my purse was a 10 euro bill, ironically enough...but the light changed quickly and I was on my way. I drove all the way to the church, and I kept thinking about this conversation I had with Allen in Itlay about this kind of situation. Well I just couldn't let it go, so I whipped my car around and headed back to the interstate. I parked my car at the bank on the corner and headed across the street with just my car key and that umbrella. When I walked up to the guy, he lifted up his head, and the first thing I noticed was 2 legit teardrop tattoos just below his left eye. At this moment about a million thoughts ran through my head, the most prominent being that he could grab my car key, take me out, and head off with my new car faster than I could run...but oddly enough, I didn't feel threatened by this fact. anyway, I started talking to the guy, who was actually really nice. Dillan and his friend (who was across the street begging under the other overpass) are both on the move. They've lost absolutely everything, including their two dogs who got taken in by the police. Every night they jump on the train platforms and head across country hoping not to get taken in by the cops. They have no money, no food, and only a single backpack of clothes, but they never asked me for anything more. They were so extremely grateful for a simple umbrella. You know, it's obvious that Dillan has made some bad decisions, but I really truly think that he is trying to live a good life. I can still hear him saying to me, "We're just trying to make it through this." It really broke my heart to see him last night. I wanted to do so much more than just give him a pathetic $1.50 umbrella from walmart, but that's all I had to give. When I left church last night, I was driving past the overpass with a car full of friends headed to Chili's, and Dillan was already gone. I've thought about him a lot today...about how Satan can take one mistake and just turn your life upside down. I actually talked to two other friends yesterday who had also recently been in jail, but those are two much longer stories. Needless to say...it was a weird day for me, but an enlightening one.
How many times do we see people like Dillan cross our lives, and how many times do we ever reach out?

I can't do it.

This is my home.
This is my family.
I can't leave.

I call myself a friend.

Wow...what a week.
I got back last night from a full week of free travel...
Here's what went down in a nutshell.

Forgotten passport.
Late to Madrid.
Robbed on the metro.
Prado was awesome.
Bullfight even better.
Molested on the metro.
The metro is evil.
Time for Barcelona.
I love Gaudi.
Kelsey's phone got stolen.
We hate Spain.
On to Southern France.
Avignon is the perfect little town.
Thought we got on a train to Nice, but ended up back in Avignon.
Time on the beach in Nice.
Had to find our hotel in Genova scavenger hunt style.
Finally home safe and sound.

It was an awesome trip, and definitely full of experiences. We never had a dull moment, that's for sure! I look back on that trip, and I think that I finally had my "AHA" moment. Robbie is always talking about that one moment...that place and time where we finally get it...the thing that we are here to learn, and I think that Kelsey taught it to me while we were in France together.

I am a terrible friend.
Point blank.
On our trip, I talked to Kels a lot...mainly because she was the only person around me that I could speak to in English for an entire week. While we were traveling, though, we got into a lot of really awesome conversations about life and religion and philosophy. It wasn't until then that I realized how utterly selfish I am. I call myself a friend to many, but when have I ever cared about there opinion on such issues? I've walked through years of friendships with people without so much as asking more than their middle name and their favorite color. I've been selfish enough to think that they will have the same views on life as I do. Maybe I think that we are too much alike for them to have such vastly different opinions. Maybe I think that my views are so obviously correct that no one could think otherwise. Maybe I think that because they grew up in the church then we must have the same opinions. Maybe I just don't care enough to ask. Whatever the case may be in each situation...I am ashamed. I want to know people better than that. I want to ask them the questions that matter. I want to truly know the people that I call my friends. I want to have that intimate relationship with my closest peers. I want to question, and to learn, and to debate. I want to discover truth. I want to find love. I want to love people. I want to love my friends. I want to love my God.

So here's the question of the day...
How do you know that your faith is true?
It seems like the most simple question, but it can also be the most difficult.
How do you know that your parents were right?
How do you know that the biblical writers got it all correct?
What if you had been raised as a Muslim?
Would that change your faith?

So I know that was more than one question...but these are the questions that haunt me. These are the questions I want to ask. I want to know you. If anyone has an answer they would like to share, I would love to hear your opinion. E-mail, facebook, blogger...I'm available anywhere.

Eleventh Day, First Story

This is a creative writing I had to do based on the structure of the Decameron. If you've never read any of the Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio, you should totally check it out. He is brilliant and hilarious! This book was written just after the Black Plague and is one of the most brilliant written works that has ever come out of Italy. The following is my attempt to tell a story like Boccaccio, but trust me, he does it better. Enjoy!


James is the husband to Andrea, a beautiful lady who inadvertently falls in love with another man, Tate. When James discovers the disloyalty of his wife, he does everything in his power to regain the love of his wife – an effort that proves to keep Andrea and Tate apart for all eternity.

TODAY I will tell you a story of a man who is driven so passionately by his love for his wife that he will do anything to regain her love and hold her from her lover. It is in this passion that he makes a promise so strong that even fate cannot break it.

James, the CEO of a big company, had everything in life. He had a good job, lots of money, and the love of a beautiful woman. His wife Andrea was one of the prettiest girls in the city, and everyone knew it except for her. Whenever anyone paid her a compliment, she thought they were just being polite. Even with the constant praises of her husband, she never believed a word of it. That was until one day when she was in the market. It was a day just like any other. She was shopping for groceries and other such items of nonchalance, when out of nowhere a boy appeared, a boy that she had never seen before. Tate was a handsome boy, young, and inexperienced in worldly things, but he was a man of outward passion. It was this passion that drove Andrea straight over to the place where the young Tate stood. The handsome boy had uttered not a single word, but the gaze of his eyes was plenty. At her approach he said nothing, but handed her a single red tipped rose. From that moment on, Andrea and Tate were inseparable. They spent every day together on his lunch hour and with James being a man consumed by work, they had no problem finding evenings to spend together as well. Sometimes when the company was extra busy, James stayed the night to get a jump start on things in the mornings. It was these nights that Andrea looked forward to the most. James noticed that Andrea was happier these days, and attributed such joy to the collection of flowers that she had begun to keep. She had become quite famous for beautiful arrangements featuring a single red tipped rose.
One night, James realized that he had been spending quite a bit of time at the office. He had already called Andrea with disregards for not coming home yet again. Perhaps, he thought to himself, he should take one night off to surprise his ever patient wife. He stopped off at the market and bought her a dozen of those red tipped roses that she seemed to love so much and headed home. When he arrived, however, his wife was nowhere in sight. He waited by the door for ten hours that night before he walked back out the door, jumped in his car, and headed to work. Once he arrived, he realized that he had not changed his shirt or let loose of his grip on those roses for 10 straight hours. He threw the roses on a table in his office and sat in his chair staring wordlessly into his empty computer screen.
Three hours later the first employee entered the building. It was the newest member of their company, a young man who had little experience, but a swift mind. He arrived early almost every morning and was a good worker. James had hired the boy himself. He had taken a chance, but one that he thought had little risk. You could see it in the boy’s eyes; he was a hard worker.
The boy had never had much contact with James, but on that morning, he noticed the older man’s distraught look. The boy entered the office of his CEO and noticed the roses that had been thrown haphazardly onto the table. “You should get those in some water fast,” the boy said. “They are the most beautiful flowers in the entire market, but if you don’t keep them in water they die quickly. I should know. I give one to my girl every week, and no matter what we are doing, at that very moment she insists on making a new arrangement for her table.” The boy gave a light chuckle, hoping to lighten the man’s spirits if only for a few moments. It was then that the boy received an unexpected response. James stood up with the most determined face the boy had ever seen and said to the boy, “My boy, today you are being promoted. You will leave on a flight tonight for our headquarters. Don’t worry about your belongings or having a car or a place to stay, I will take care of everything.” The boy was awestruck. Surely such a small anecdote had not been means for such generosity. The boy smiled and thanked his boss continuously. “What could I ever do to repay you,” the boy inquired, and in a split second the man responded without even a change in his voice. “Tate, you will live in this new town, and you will die in this new town, and my every moment from now on will be dedicated to ensuring you will never speak to my wife again, or everything that you know will be stripped from you. Now leave me forever.” Tate could see the passion in his eyes. James had meant every word he said. Tate knew that James had the power to destroy his career forever, and so he left Andrea’s life the same way he entered it, without a single word.
Over the next year James spent more time at the office. For some reason that Andrea could never understand, James had pledged himself to oversee the affairs of both his office and the headquarters. It was through that year that James saw the happiness in his wife begin to drain. The flowers died, and so did her spirit. Slowly but surely ever part of her beauty drained from her very being until the day that James came home to a woman who would never be sad again.
Andrea was buried on the first day of spring with a bullet in her brain and a beautiful bouquet of red tipped roses in her hand.

My Confessions...

Today is Ash Wednesday, and living in a prominently Catholic society, this was a big deal today. Last night was Carnevale, and we celebrated the night away with a masquerade, confetti, a silly string fight spanning a few Piazzas, and a street parade in front of the Duomo. It was definitely a night to remember. Today, though, it got me thinking. Last night Kyle asked me what I was giving up for Lent. Jokingly, I said studying, but it really got me thinking about what I could do. I've done lent before giving up chocolate and cokes. One lent season I did something kind of different. My best friend was raised Catholic, and she told me that many times instead of limiting you time from something, you add your time to something else. That year we used our spare time to do volunteer work at a nursing home. This year, as I started thinking about what I could give up, I went through the usual...food, facebook, shopping...but nothing seemed to be right. It was then that I realized that what I need in my life is not to give up a single item, but rather to seek an internal balance.

So as Jason would say...here's my confession.
I don't have the balance that I should in my life. I struggle to find the ways that the four areas of my life fit together. I have a very skewed perspective of the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical areas of my life. During these next 40 days I want to focus on that. For Lent I am going to bring schedule into my life. Living here in Italy, we don't have any kind of regular schedule. That is something that has made it hard to balance the time in my life. Every night before I go to bed I am going to make a schedule for the next day, trying to find a balance in my life.

Another side point...and maybe another confession. I've been frustrated with God for a while about my relationships. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he has got everything under control, but somehow that still doesn't keep me from worrying. Anyway...Tonight I went on my first date in several months, and it was really nice. Although bike riding isn't my strongest aspect, I still had a great time. Who knows if there will even be a second date, but it was definitely a very comforting touch from God tonight. Also, living in a house with 20 Christian boys has really inspired me to be the Christian girl I should be. These boys lead my chapel services and are leaders in daily life, and I truly appreciate the challenges they give me daily.

Confession number three...I read this passage several nights ago in my quiet time, and it has really stuck with me.
"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of Jesus Christ.
-2 Peter 1:5-8
WOW. There is so much in this verse that convicts me. First, a big fear that I have had lately is being idle in my life with Christ. I want to live a faith that is proactive...so when I read this, I thought to myself...this is the key I've been looking for! Secondly, I have felt for a long time that if my religion were to hinge on one word, it would be "Love." Our greatest commandments are to love God and love people. I have been very sold on the LGLP movement for a long time, and I think that it is the key to life as we know it. What I see in these few verses is my third point; our new life starts in faith, but that is only the beginning. When we begin to grow faith in our lives, we begin to mature and produce even more. To faith we add goodness, and to the goodness, we add knowledge...and what is the end goal? To me it is clear here yet again. Love. We are here because of love. We are given mercy because of love. We are given grace because of love. We are on this Earth to learn how to love. Point blank. Now, I'm not claiming I now know the key to life and all things are set in place, but I do think that this is important, and a fairly simple concept that we should be sharing with the world. Love God, and Love People. (now of course, that is much easier said than done, but if we do not even tell people, how are they supposed to try? Let's give people the key to life. Let's give people the love of our Lord and Savior.) Point four, and it's the last one (I swear), to live the life we are called to, we must "possess these qualities in increasing measure." If that isn't a great commission, I don't know what is.

Today I have been greatly humbled. I hope that you, too, will take time on this Ash Wednesday to really search for God's plan in your life.
God speed.

At the request of my readers here are a few pictures of my travels. Here's to new things!

My Italian floutist
Getting coffee across from the Duomo
Firenze football game
Boarding in the Alps

My newest friend is going to Africa this summer...check out the trailer. They are currently collecting donations for their upcoming trip. Please pray for them.

Kujilana.com

Reflection of the Day

After every day of onsite classes, we are assigned to reflect on one thing that stood out to us...whether that be a work of art, the architecture of a building, a historical event, whatever it may be. Today we visited Santa Croce and the Bargello, and I thought I might share my reflection with you.

Santa Croce
Tombs of Galileo, Michelangelo, Machiavelli, and Rossini

I guess what really got me thinking today was seeing all of the "famous" tombs. I've toured Europe before, and I've stood on top of a lot of dead people, and when we started talking about tombs, I started to tune out thinking, "What's so special? This tomb is just like the others." Then Cindy (our guide) started talking about Galileo, and suddenly his tomb became more important, because I knew of his great achievements. I studied astronomy last semester, so I'm very aware of the impact he really had on our world, and it got me thinking..."What will people remember about my life?" Am I going to make a difference in the world that I'm living in? I sure hope so. I'm not saying we all have to be internationally known to be successful, but I do think that we are called by God to make an impact on the world. We cannot drift through life idly letting it pass us by. We must be proactive. We must take risks. We are called to be what the world would see as "reckless" in the name of our Savior.

So at the end of it all will you have made a difference? Will I?

Week 2

So I've completed week two of my self challenge...and my first complete week in ITALY!!! It was a little rough coming in...I think most of it was the time change, but the lack of sleep made me completely, irrationally overemotional, and being thrown into a house with 40 unknown people didn't help much. Now, things are much better. I've made new friends and the town is just beautiful. Living in the house is like having 38 brothers and sisters who all love each other...for now....and getting some time alone is quite the treat. I can't wait until it warms up and I can spend some of my afternoons outside reading in the hammocks of our olive plantation. I have gotten up early this week to spend some time with God before the villa gets hectic, but I haven't made it habit yet...that's something that I'm hoping to change. I think that as sleep habits settle in a little more that will be a little easier. It's really hard to get to sleep when no one gets tired until after two. I think that as long as it's not raining in the mornings, I will try to make the terrace connected to my bedroom my alone place so that I'm not as distracted by people in the common rooms.

On a side note...Jason Illian and I are now friends on facebook...haha. If you read my last post, you will appreciate this.

I am taking each day one step at a time, and I am really blessed to be here.
Timeline:
10 days till we go skiing in the Alps.
Less than a month till free travel...maybe to Spain??? I haven't decided.

Hebrews 11:4...I want a faith like that! A faith that speaks even after I am gone.

Week 1

It has been just over a week since I made my resolution of perseverance, and I have to say I am already feeling a lot better about myself especially physically. While I still have quite a ways to go, I am glad that I have started on this journey. For the last three days I have been stuck in a hotel up near fayetteville trying to get out on a flight to Rome. I wish that I had used this time more effectively, but I must admit that much of it was spent lying in the bed and watching NCIS day after day. I do have to say that spending this extra time with my mom before I leave has been such a blessing, and although I wish I could be with my fellow classmates overseas right now, I am truly thankful. I am also overjoyed that Braden will be meeting me at the airport in Atlanta tomorrow. I was a little sad to be making that trip by myself. Also, I am very intrigued to meet 21-year-old Riccardo who will be picking us up in Rome :)

Today while browsing the internet...one of my many mindless activities in the hotel room, i found this quote by one of my favorite authors, and former Batchelor, Jason Illian. It reminded of a question that one of my good friends recently asked me. "How do you know?" (refering to finding the person that you are going to marry) I think this quote answers that question.

***"A successful relationship isn't about YOU! Nearly everyone is trying to find someone to make them happy, trying to get someone to fulfill their needs, trying to meet someone who will complete their life. But that attitude is just the opposite of love. Love is about serving others and wanting what is best for them, even if it doesn't fit into your predefined box about romance. "Self" is the mortal enemy of love, the antithesis of all Christ died for. If YOU are worried about getting what you want, YOUR future relationships are doomed for failure.
Self-satisfaction always leads to self- destruction.

Ride the tilt-a-whirl backwards--try being a servant, a listener, and a friend. Try putting other's interests first and see if the floodgates of heaven don't open up so wide, you can't even begin to hold all the blessings that the Lord bestows upon you.

Just a thought..."***

I think that that is the epitome of true love, and that is how you know. When your relationship is no longer all about what you want and what you need but about wanting to make that other person in your life happy, and when you have found someone who feels the same way about you, then you know you have found the right one.

If you haven't read Jason's book Undressed, I highly recommend it. I think reading his website today inspired me to read it again...for the third time. haha. This book is a keeper.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Today is the day I begin to change. I can't remember the last time I was satisfied in my life. I am tired of sitting by and letting life slip past me. I don't want to live in idleness anymore. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives, and I don't want to go through this life without ever having lived. I want to experience life. I want to change the world. I want to make an impact for the better. What I didn't realize was that everyday I refused to move forward, I was actually slipping closer and closer to the edge. There was a time when my life was full of security, hope, and passion. I want that back. I want to be passionately in love with my Lord, living for him. I don't know how to get there, but I trust my Lord to carry me, and today I am promising to do my part, refusing to sit by and wait. I will make goals every month for the next 3 months to improve myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When I fail, I will admit my failure and try again, but never will I stop trying. Lord, be with me today as I seek a place to start. I am sorry for turning away. Thank you for always being there when I turn around. Thank you for never leaving, even when I act like I don't want or need you around.

Happy New Year

I've never been much for New Year's Resolutions...but I think it's time for a change.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop" right???
I'm not the person I want to be.
I'm not happy...not satisfied.
I don't really know what I want...and everything is of question for me.
Things that I once thought were simple seem to be the most complex.
I feel ignorant and I feel stupid.
I want to go back to the way things were...but I know that is not possible anymore.
Once you learn that you're ignorant...you can't have the bliss anymore.
That sucks.
I'm still not ready to let go...to change.
I'm sorry.
My mind is battling inside of itself, and I don't know how to make that go away.
How do you love me through my ignorance?
How do you love me through my pain?
Agape. Love.

Tis the Season

It's getting darker outside, eerily still.
The hope has been drained from the very air I breathe,
but I believe in the sun...even when it's not shining.
A single drop falls upon my cheek.
Then there are too many to count.
I cannot tell which are raindrops and which are tears,
but I will stand in the rain...I won't drown.
I see for only a split second, as the lightning strikes.
He will bring beauty from this pain.

Happy Birthday to Me

20. Where have I come in the last 20 years? Where am I going in the next 20? Life sucks. I mean, am I right here? We run around this world like chickens with our heads cut off searching for the perfect job, the perfect spouse, the perfect friends, the perfect life...and where is it? nowhere within reach. Nothing on this Earth will meet the perfection that each of us are seeking. That only kind of perfection will be found when we leave this world and go to be with the wonderful Creator. As I was driving home tonight, I closed my eyes as I approached the bridge next to my neighborhood, and I thought to myself...wouldn't it be easier to just keep those eyes closed for a few seconds more, and be done with all of this. Then I could be truly happy. Then I could be truly fulfilled...but the truth is that God did not call us to live the easy life. He called us to live the holy life. He created a world in which we would hopelessly seek for something that only he has. He created a world meant to taunt us. As I look back over the last 20 years I am proud of how far I have come, and I am unbelievably ashamed of how little I've grown. On today, the first day of my twentieth year, I give up the one thing I've been holding so tightly that I didn't even know I had it. I give up control...wholly...completely. I surrender it to my Lord and Savior. I pray that as I struggle to let go, and I have no doubt that I will struggle, the Lord will gently be there to show me how to trust in Him. trust in him. I don't know that all of this is very cohesive, and for that I apologize. I do promise, however, that it is 100% honest. This is me. This is me at 20. Happy Birthday to me.

The Forgotten Holiday

We are guilty. Hailey and I have already decorated the ENTIRE room for Christmas. Our only tribute to Thanksgiving is Sammy, the turkey that hangs on our doorknob...right next to our matching stockings. I feel kind of bad for Sammy. There was a day long ago when Thanksgiving was a true and valued holiday, but it seems that year after year we push up the Christmas season as much as we possibly can. Maybe we need more shopping days. Maybe we want to put up the lights before it gets too cold. Maybe we want the "magic" of Christmas to last just a little bit longer. Whatever the case, I think that we are jipping ourselves of a really meaningful time of year. The season of Thanksgiving is a time to look back and remember all the blessings that we've received this year. It's a time to remember to tell people how much they truly mean to us and how truly thankful we are. As I wrote "Love" on my arm today as a part of To Write Love On Her Arms day, I realized that we really do need to tell the people in our lives that we love them. Sometimes we forget. We feel like if they already know, then we don't need to tell them as often. So this Thanksgiving I am truly thankful for my mom, dad, and sister and the constant support and encouragement they give me. I am thankful for Hailey and Joseph and the friendship they have held with me. I am thankful for Courtney and our weekly dinners and a listening heart. I am thankful for Tate and the new friendship he has provided. I am thankful suitemates and their inept ability to not kill me in my sleep. I am really thankful for CJ, for the patience and understanding he has in our relationship, for the support he's provided me in times of weakness, for the kind word, for the gentle encouragement, for making me laugh, and for making me cry. I'm simply thankful that he loves me back. But most of all this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my Lord for the challenges he's provided me this year, and for the constant hope and support he's brought me through those circumstances. I am thankful for the truly unconditional love that he has for me. I am so thankful that when I start to run away from him, he is always right there when I turn around, ready to pretend like it never happened. He doesn't stop loving me if I ignore him. He doesn't stop loving me if I blame him. He doesn't stop loving me if I cry to him. He only loves me more. Now that's magic. That is something that I wouldn't want to skip over just to get to a lame tree that sheds on the carpet or stockings that fall off the door every other day.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
Tell the people you love how thankful you are to have them in your life.

Laughter.

To laugh with the one you love may be the greatest thing we can experience. It's like a glimpse of heaven, something that lets you know that everything is going to be OK. That little moment when you're laughing so hard that you can't even open your eyes, that's the moment when you truly see each other. That's the moment when you are most connected. I hold onto those moments. I know they are from God, and I am truly thankful. I love the Lord! I am so proud to be his.

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
-Einstein

Unanswered Questions

Why? That's what I've been asking myself a lot lately. Why am I here? Why am I going to Italy? Why am I an EMP major? Is that really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Why can't I major in something I'm passionate about? Why could something that's so perfect be just out of reach? Why did I say yes to doing props? WHY DID I SAY YES TO DOING PROPS? Why can't I go home for fall break? Why are the other people in my life so wonderful? What did I do to deserve that? How do I know that college is right for me? Why don't I have the guts to drop out? Why can't I make a decision on my own? Why am I freaking out about all of these unanswered questions?

None of these things I can answer. I can only put my hope and trust in the Lord...which is the one thing that is missing from my life...time with the Lord. I've taken on so many things that I don't even have time for him anymore. Two weeks...that's what I keep telling myself. Two weeks and I will have my sanity back. Until then I just do my best. I'm losing precious sleep that I really need for functioning purposes, but I'll manage somehow for a week or two. I hope you all are having a week somewhat less stressful than mine. Thank you for the encouragement you are in my life. I truly appreciate it.

Can't Stop Smiling.

I'm high on life right now. After several weeks of stress and frustration and misunderstanding, it feels like a cloud of pressure has just been lifted off of my life. Through my prayer and devotion lately I have been trying to refrain from complaining about the pressures in my life and instead ask for God's guidance and wisdom through them. I know that we all have to go through the valleys, and those are the times that make us the strongest. At that point where you are so weak that your only option is to cry helplessly to the Lord, at that point you reach hope. God has given me a lot of hope and peace the past few weeks, and this weekend that hope and peace reached a climax that I never could have imagined. Love is the greatest blessing in life. I don't even have words to explain the expanse of God's amazing love. I am so incredibly blessed to have that love encompassing my life. Then to go home and to see that love through those who are closest to me...to go home to that is so incredible that it's almost unbearable. I am so undeserving of the love that God has placed in my life. I love someone who loves me back! Do you know how amazing that is? Take the time today to tell the people in your life that you love them. It truly is a blessing from the Lord.

Comfortable.

"Why is it that the second or third question that people always ask you is if you have a boyfriend yet?" That was the question recently posed to me by a close friend from back home. She and I have both heard that question a lot in the past few years. We hear a lot on campus that Harding is a marriage factory, but I think that our culture is the bigger culprit. With all of the current romance novels, films, and songs, no wonder it is a current topic of discussion. This is especially true of the college generation. College is a feeding ground for relationships. You walk into this new place with thousands of new fish in the pond, and everyone expects you to be looking, searching for your lifelong partner. I've seen first hand how that thought process can drive some people to mental insanity. I would like to propose the idea of being comfortable. I am comfortable with where I am, and where God wants me to be. I don't have myself completely figured out yet, much less trying to add someone else into the mix. It is not that I am shunning relationships, far from it. I am very excited about the potential of future relationships that I think God may have in store for me. I try, although it is hard, to wait patiently for the right timing in these relationships. I recently realized that I have a new prospective on relationships, however. In high school, a relationship was based mainly around emotion. They have told us for years (they being all those older and wiser people that feel a need to impart wisdom upon our young and ignorant generation)...they have told us that love is a choice, not an emotion. I thought that this was something that was simple enough. You choose to love someone and then you love them for the rest of your life. Sometimes they make you mad, but you get through it, because you love them. It wasn't until this week, however, that I realized what the true essence of that statement really was. It was when the conversation of a potential relationship was brought up, with that very friend that asked me the question earlier. When she asked me about this potential relationship, I was not filled with the giddy excitement like I was in high school, but rather with something that I almost judged as indifference, which worried me. What I realized, however, was that this emotion was not indifference, but rather almost a practicality. The idea that a lifelong partner is merely a best friend, rather than a star struck lover was something that I hadn't quite contemplated, but the idea makes a good deal of sense. That understanding is what makes a relationship what it is. It is the give and take, the mutual submission. When I was in high school, I told the Lord that I didn't think I had the will power to say "no" to someone that I liked. Now, I am asking the Lord to give me the courage to say "yes" to someone that I love. In love, the risk is high, but the reward is greater. I used to be afraid of that risk. Not being able to say "no" got me past that. Back when I was afraid, I judged all those who weren't, especially the very friend that asked me that question from earlier. Several years ago I judged her, and I threw it (both literally and figuratively) in her face. For that, I am eternally sorry. I know that she will probably never read this blog. She doesn't even know it exists, but that is OK. There is no need for me to bring it up to her again, reminding her of the pain and humiliation I caused her. It is only needed for me to learn from and become a better friend by. Even as I sit here and say that I'm not afraid of the risk, I still am. I am trying not to be though. I tell myself that by the end of the school year I won't be afraid any longer, and I will move forward with a no bars attitude, but I am equally afraid of waiting that long. Timing is everything, and if missed, it is twice as hard the second time. I am hoping that things will be made clear. For now, though, I am happy. I am content. I am comfortable.

A disclaimer of sorts - All of this may not make a bit of sense, because I am leaving out specifics. I leave them out for a reason, however. I am sorry if this all seems incoherent. Please do not judge me on assumptions of what I mean, but rather support me in the truths of what I say, even if I am not the best at articulating them.